Still Breathing
by xlizardbreath
Summary: Continuation from The Masochism Tango. Bella knows what Edward has been up to and it kills her. How could she lose her boyfriend and best friend to something like this? It's too surreal. Bella's POV. One-shot.


I decided to continue The Masochism Tango, so if you haven't read that and stumbled upon this you might wanna go check it out so this will make better sense. :3 Love and kisses to: XxEliza-JanexX and Utena-Puchiko-nyu who reviewed both chapters of The Masochism Tango. This one's for the people who encouraged me to keep this crazy story going. All of you who asked for a sequel and to keep things going.

**I own nothing.**

**_Warning:_** Angsty and slightly OOC non-spineless Bella. References to a boyxboy relationship. Why're you reading this if you don't like that sort of thing? That's all this series will be about.

I decided to do this one from Bella's point of view. It will probably be the only one with her POV. I might do a follow up with both Jacob and Edward reflecting on what happens here, but I'm not sure. This piece of fanfiction was inspired by the songs "Don't Speak" by No Doubt and "I'm Still Breathing" by Katy Perry. And yes, I name most of my fanfics after songs. Because the music is what gives me the ideas.

* * *

You and me,

I can see us dying.

Aren't we?

Don't speak.

I know just what you're saying,

So please stop explaining.

Don't tell me 'cause it hurts.

I knew before he was even able to breathe a word out to me. I'm not capable of reading minds, that's true, but nevertheless I'm not blind. I pretended to be though. I wanted so badly to believe everything was in my mind. My crazy mind that made things up, that could be borderline unstable. I groped desperately at anything that could negate what I had known was coming. What had happened and would eventually be my undoing.

More to the truth, Edward Cullen was my undoing. I should've known upon meeting him we were never meant to be together. That our relationship was doomed from the beginning, but he had reassured me time and time again. Lulled me into this euphoria where I believed our fairytale ended in happily ever after.

It would have.

But that stupid mutt supposed friend of mine had to intervene. I don't understand why he felt the need to do what he did. Why he thought that would give him any satisfaction and why he was quick to cut me out of the equation.

I'm just bitter though.

It isn't all Jacob's fault. Edward had a hand in things too and for whatever reason things panned out the way they did. I still didn't understand it though.

Was he just looking for a way out? Were we already fizzling out and I just blinded myself to that fact? For six whole months I'm sure this was going on and I'd deluded myself into believing it really wasn't. How could I have been so stupid? Alice had even pointed out to me a couple of times that Edward would disappear from her visions. We both knew what that meant and she probably caught on quicker than I had, but was trying to be polite. With senses like the Cullens possessed it was probably difficult for Edward to mask that alleged wet-dog said the members of the La Push pack were accused of giving off.

What had he told them? His family. What would they do?

I guess nothing though I'm sure a few were probably deeply upset and didn't understand why he was the most difficult member of the family. Why he always felt the need to break rules. Nevertheless, the harmony there shifted a little and it was evident to me the few times I visited that things were on a proverbial seesaw between several members of the Cullen home. Edward included.

But I was so blinded by everything I forced myself to believe it had nothing to do with the gut feeling in my stomach. The voice telling me that my boyfriend preferred the company of a certain filthy mongrel though he'd never admit it aloud to anyone. Especially said dog.

Great. Now I was bad-mouthing my own so-called best friend. But it wasn't fair. I couldn't be nice to him after this even if it was unintentional. Even if he'd never wanted to hurt me the way he had. None of that changed the fact that I was angry and hurt.

A year ago perhaps I might've thrown myself off a cliff, but thinking about that now just makes me feel pathetic. Who am I that I need Edward Cullen to define my existence? How pathetic am I that I would be willing to kill myself for someone who cheated on me? That sort of thinking should never make sense and it didn't to me. Not now and probably not ever.

I bit my lip as I watched him pace back and floor along the forest floor. We always came into the wooded areas surrounding my home. It had been like a haven to me, but now only felt oppressive.

At school I had hissed at him that I knew what was going on. I didn't have hard evidence just my instinct and tips from Alice. At first I thought two of the most important men in my life were fighting one another stupidly… over me. It was a vain thought and I felt so stupid after realizing that was probably not the case.

The sick look Edward gave me unraveled all the secrets he'd been keeping those past six months. It seemed immediately reflected in his face, but I wanted to hear him say it.

He took in an unnecessarily deep breath and stared at my feet or maybe the ground they were standing on. I couldn't be sure.

"It just happened Bella. No one intended for things to go this way. I never wanted to hurt you. I just…." He seemed at a loss as he spoke and tried to grasp at words to explain this away maybe.

I didn't want to hear any of it. I knew things would have probably ended sooner or later. Even before things had started to go awry with Jacob Black I could feel Edward slowly pulling away. Like things between he and I weren't the same. Something was taking over in his mind. I'd become visibly less important and it hurt. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

It took my boyfriend to cheat on me to realize I was no longer as meaningful to him as he was to me. That maybe whatever he was doing held more importance than our relationship and that was why he was willing to risk it all.

I'd become aware of all this, but didn't want it to be true. I forced myself to believe it wasn't until I could no longer deal with it. I'm only a teenager.

He was about to open his mouth. Perhaps able to come up with something he thought might console, but I didn't want to hear it so I pressed a finger to his mouth and squeaked out one simply syllable. "Don't."

I couldn't keep my head up then and suddenly dropped it. I didn't want to meet his gaze at the time. I didn't want to get swept away by those beautiful ocher orbs again. It was just too much and I knew it could happen despite my resolution to make sure this was the last time we were together like this. If he asked to be my friend still I think I'd want to slap him. Perhaps I could do that some day in the future, but not right now. The wounds were too fresh.

He didn't say anything though.

Silence.

Unbearable silence.

It was all I could do not to shout at him just to make some sort of noise. I didn't though. I just stood there with my head hanging down.

His face crumpled.

It killed me a little.

But I couldn't allow myself to give him any consolation. It had to be this way. We were dying and out of mercy he murdered us before it became too much of a burden. Idly, I wondered if that was really what was on his mind when everything went down, but if I think like that things just feel that much worse. I stamp that thought out quickly and manage to finally look him in the eyes.

"You know this is how it has to be. Maybe someday we'll be friends."

And I ran away from him towards my home or wherever. I just wanted to get away from him. Was afraid he'd follow after or try to make sense out of all this. Give me more of his explanations and reasonings. Tell me that it wasn't me and he still loved me, but something in him had changed. That this was all his fault.

I didn't want him to do that because this was partially my fault. A relationship is made up of two people, but I'm not going to deny that most of this was because of what he did. Then again… maybe we would've gone down without his little escapades with Jacob.

But this was all so unfair. I was losing my boyfriend and my best friend because of this. I knew I couldn't talk to Jake after this. That he'd be another "someday friend" and that killed me too. How did this all happen? When did my life become such a sham?

As soon as I knew Edward wasn't following me. That he'd let me run off and probably just trudged away to somewhere. A destination I didn't even want to think about at this moment. I started to cry. I bent over and squatted in the dirt bawling my eyes out. I didn't even wonder if my painful sobs were making it to the ears of anyone else. I didn't care. I deserved this good cry. I needed it.

How else would I get over Edward Cullen and Jacob Black if I didn't allow myself to sob about their loss?

The idea was painful, but I knew eventually the three of us would manage to get together and be able to talk. Be friends. In a strange way it was nice to know I'd hopefully be able to have them both in the same room talking with me. Like I'd always imagined.

It would be under a different set of circumstances, but I knew I could make myself get over this. That though I had made Edward Cullen my whole life, wanted to spend the rest of my would-be immortal life with him I would get over him. Some day I'd run into him and we would talk like old friends. I imagine Jake is there too. The three of us laughing about things. And I'm even happier than I'd been with Edward.

It's still painful to think about, but I can see now with 20-20 hindsight that it was for the best. Someday we'll all three be just as happy as I'd hoped we could be. Maybe even more so. Right now I can't, but I want to be able to befriend Edward and Jacob again. Someday.

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Sappy ending, but it's my story. I do what I want.

I was listening to Elton John's "Someday Out of the Blue" towards the end of this… Can you tell? x'D

Hope you guys liked this. The rest will be either Jake's POV or Edward's POV. Or both depending on my mood.


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